American football
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American Football, also known as Amerimutt Niggerball, is an aryan variant of gridiron football played in the United States. The game takes place on a field 100 yards wide with end zones on each end. Games are played by two teams and take place across four fifteen-minute quarters. It emerged in the late 19th century as a combination of soccer and rugby.
Gameplay
[edit | edit source]The offense has four attempts, known as "downs," to advance the ball ten yards from where the ball sits (the line of scrimmage) to a line known as the first down line. If they make it ten yards, the team gets another set of four downs. If not, the other team gets the ball. On fourth down, the offense can either punt the ball as far as they can so that the receiving team has to go a longer distance, attempt a field goal from fifteen yards behind the line of scrimmage, or try to get the ball past the first down line. The defense attempts to prevent the offense from advancing the ball.
Penalties can either add or subtract yards from the distance that the offense needs to go, depending on whether the offense or defense committed them. Penalties include pass interference, false start, offside, unnecessary roughness, holding, breathing near Patrick Mahomes, and unsportsmanlike conduct.
Scoring
[edit | edit source]Touchdown
[edit | edit source]A touchdown is when the ball is advanced into, caught, or recovered in the defense's end zone. It is worth six points.
After a touchdown, the team may score extra points, in a play known as a "conversion." They may either attempt to kick the ball between the goalposts for one extra point (a "point after touchdown"), or run the ball from the two yard line for two extra points (a "two point conversion").
Field Goal
[edit | edit source]A field goal is when the offense kicks the ball between the goalposts. Field goals can be attempted at any time, but they are usually done on fourth down. A field goal is worth three points.
Safety
[edit | edit source]A safety is when a player is tackled or commits a penalty in their own end zone. It is worth two points to the defense, except in the exceedingly rare case that it happens on a conversion attempt, in which it is worth one point.
Positions
[edit | edit source]Offense
[edit | edit source]The offense is the unit of 11 players responsible for moving the ball down the field through running or passing plays to score touchdowns or field goals.
Quarterback
[edit | edit source]The quarterback is usually the most famous player on the team. Xe receives the ball from the center to start a down and can either run it, throw a pass, or hand it to a running back.
Running Backs
[edit | edit source]A team will usually have one or two running backs on the field, referred to as a halfback and a fullback. Their job is to receive a handoff from a quarterback and run the ball as far as they can.
Wide Receivers
[edit | edit source]A team has two wide receivers, whose job is to catch passes thrown by the quarterback.
Offensive Line
[edit | edit source]The offensive line consists of a center, two tackles, and two guards. The center snaps the ball to the quarterback to begin a down. The rest of the line protects the quarterback and running backs from the defensive line.
Tight End
[edit | edit source]A tight end is a hybrid position that can fill the role of an offensive lineman or a wide receiver depending on the play.
Defense
[edit | edit source]Defensive Line
[edit | edit source]The defensive line consists of two tackles and two ends. They prevent the offensive line from advancing.
Linebackers
[edit | edit source]Linebackers sit behind the defensive line and can perform various duties such as defending against the run or dropping back into coverage.
Defensive Backs
[edit | edit source]The defensive backs mainly defend against pass plays.
Special Teams
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Kicker
[edit | edit source]The kicker attempts to kick the ball through the goalposts during field goal and point-after-touchdown attempts.
Punter
[edit | edit source]The punter punts the ball as far as possible down the field when the team chooses to punt on fourth down.
Holder
[edit | edit source]
The holder holds the ball so the kicker can kick it.
Long Snapper
[edit | edit source]The long snapper snaps the ball to the holder.
Return Specialist
[edit | edit source]The return specialist catches a punt and attempts to run it as far as they can.
NFL
[edit | edit source]The National Football League, also known as Nigger Football League, is the main professional league in the United States. It consists of thirty-two teams divided into two conferences, which are each divided into four divisions, resulting in four teams per division. Every year, the league hosts a championship game known as the Super Bowl, which is consistently the most-watched broadcast of the year because nobaldi watches network TV anymore.
There have been allegations of officiating misconduct in favor of teams such as the New England Patriots and Kansas City Chiefs, though many of these are just from fans of opposing teams who are mad they lost.
Some teams are considered total jokes in the league and consistently cause leakage from their fans. These include the Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, and New York Jets. You WILL make fun of fans of these teams whenever you can.
List of NFL teams
[edit | edit source]AFC East
[edit | edit source]Miami Dolphins
Best known for going undefeated in the 1972-73 NFL season. They later had Dan Marino in the 80s and 90s and have been dogshit ever since he left.
New England Patriots
Best known for being dogshit before Tom Brady arrived in the 2000s and the team has been average ever since he left.
New York Jets
Best known for somehow winning a Super Bowl in 1968 ev&doe they've been horrible before and after this.
Buffalo Bills
Best known for losing 4 Super Bowls in a row 
AFC West
[edit | edit source]Kansas City Chiefs
Best known for Patrick Mahomes or something.
Denver Broncos
Best known for playing 5,280 feet above sea level.
Las Vegas Raiders
Best known for formerly playing in the shithole known as the Oakland Coliseum. Also a lot of their fanbase consists of Meximutts for some reason.
Los Angels chargers
Best known for leaving their fans behind in San Diego to play in Los Angeles but nobaldi goes to their home games anymore
AFC North
[edit | edit source]Pittsburgh Steelers
Best known for waving a yellow towel for some reason. DO NOT DISRESPECT IT.
Baltmore Ravens
Best known for being the real Cleveland Browns even though they are a technically new team from 1996 but with the same roster.
Cleveland Browns
Best known for going 1-31 in the span of 2 seasons
Cincinnati Bengals
Best known for losing 3 super bowls all by come backs at the end of the game.
AFC South
[edit | edit source]Indianapolis Colts
Best known for leaving Baltimore in the middle of the night without telling anyone.
Jacksonville jaguars
Best known for being the most forgettable team in the NFL.
Houston Texans
Best known for starting in 2002.
Tennessee Titans
Best known for missing the touchdown that would've won them the super bowl by less than 1 yard
NFC East
[edit | edit source]Dallas Cowboys
Best known for being the most homoerotic team know to man and have not won shit since 1996.
Washington Redskins Commanders
Best known for being called the Redskins they are called the Commanders TAKE YOUR MEDS.
New York Giants
Best known for playing in New Jersey and being dogshit for the past 10 years.
Philadelphia Eagles
Best known for their fans destroying Philadelphia after winning 2 Super Bowls and being the favorite team of EDP445. GO BIRDS DICKHEAD!!!!
NFC West
[edit | edit source]San Francisco 49ers
Best known for kneeling during the national anthem.
Arizona Cardinals
Best known for being the oldest NFL team but they still have only 2 NFL championships ever
Seattle Seahawks
Best known for their fans being so loud inside their stadium.
Los Angeles Rams
Best known for moving from Cleveland to Los Angeles in the 40s to St. Louis in the 90s back to Los Angeles in 2016.
NFC North
[edit | edit source]Green Bay Packers
Best known for being ran by fans instead of a single owner.
Chicago Bears
Best known for moving to Indiana.
Detroit Lions
Best known for being so dogshit that they lost every game in the 2008-09 season
Minnesota Vikings
Best known for losing 4 Super Bowls in the span of a decade.
NFC South
[edit | edit source]Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Best known for losing the first 26 games in their existence
Atlanta Falcons
Best known for being up 28-3 by the 4 Quarter in the super bowl just to lose in overtime.
New Orleans Saints
Best known for their stadium flooding in 2005.
Carolina Panthers
Best known for somehow being more forgettable than the Jaguars.
College Football
[edit | edit source]College Football is better than the NFL and if you think otherwise you are a massive faggot.
Conferences
[edit | edit source]Nearly every team at the highest level of college football, Division I FBS, is a member of a conference, which can be thought of as sort of a sub-league. On top of this, conferences are informally grouped into the "Power" conferences, of superior talent, and the "Group" conferences, of less superior talent.
Power 5
[edit | edit source]The Power 5 is an informal name given to the five (four doebeit) best conferences in college football. Most Power 5 teams are miles ahead of their Group of 5 counterparts, and always win the championship at the end of the season.
- Southeastern Conference (SEC) - Comprises the majority of the American South. Historically regarded as the best and most prestigious conference.
- Alabama - best known for their dynasty that lasted from 2007-2023 and their inbred fans not being able to shut up about it
- Arkansas - best known for being garbage
- Auburn - best known for Cam Newton and beating Alabama sometimes
- Florida - best known for Tim Tebow and wearing jorts
- Georgia - best known for being the current dynasty and aggressively barking at children
- Kentucky - best known for being blue
- LSU - best known for having the best college team of all time in 2019 and Lane Kiffin
- Mississippi State - best known for being good after being garbage for a few years
- Missouri - best known for always being in the top 25 for some reason
- Oklahoma - best known for being a QB factory
- Ole Miss - best known for btfoing Lane Kiffin and LSU after he left Ole Miss before the postseason
- South Carolina - best known for being potential man
- Tennessee - best known for having one of the most retarded and delusional fans in the sport
- Texas A&M - best known for going 8-4 and having incredibly gay pep rallies
- Texas - best known for pretending to be back every season
- Vanderbilt - best known for academics and being trash except that one time where they had an incredibly annoying 5'3 spic at QB
- Big Ten (B1G) - Comprises the American Midwest and (recently) the west coast. Also regarded as the best and most prestigious conference.
- Illinois - best known for their retarded looking throwback uniforms
- Indiana - best known for sucking ass until recently winning the national championship
- Iowa - best known for their tight ends and Cooper DeJean
- Maryland - best known for their awesome uniforms
- Michigan - best known for cheating
- Michigan State - best known for Kirk Cousins
- Minnesota - best known for something
- Nebraska - best known for being a "blue blood" ev&o they havent done anything since the late 90's
- Northwestern - best known for academics and hazing
- Ohio State - best known for being THE other dynasty and having THE most annoying fans in THE sport
- Oregon - best known for their thrembillion uniforms
- Penn State - (also known as 'p State, State Penn, Rape State, etc.) best known for the Penn State child sex abuse scandal, the Penn State fraternity hazing scandal, and their annual white-out game
- Purdue - best known for upsetting teams seemingly out of nowhere
- Rutgers - best known for being the university Jackie Aprile Jr. attended
- UCLA - best known for their stadium, the Rose Bowl
- USC - best known for being good in the early 2000's
- Washington - best known for Michael Penis Jr.
- Wisconsin - best known for cheese
- Big Twelve (B12) - Comprises the Great Plains and Texas. Pioneers of the Air Raid offense.
- Arizona - best known for their ice tea
- Arizona State - best known for Cam Skattebo and being the university where Clavicular got mogged
- Baylor - best known for RGIII and that huge ass nigga that was falsely accused of rape
- BYU - best known for being Mormon
- UCF - best known for claiming the 2017 national championship despite nobody else actually thinking that
- Cincinnati - best known for being good 5 years ago
- Colorado - best known for Deion Sanders
- Houston - best known for having the all-time passing yards leader Case Keenum
- Iowa State - best known for Brock Purdy
- Kansas - best known for their record setting 2015 season
- Kansas State - best known for being good most of the time
- Oklahoma State - best known for "I'M A MAN, I'M 40"
- TCU - best known for losing 65-7 to Georgia in the National Championship
- Texas Tech - best known for being the literal embodiment of what is ruining college football
- Utah - best known for not being Mormon
- West Virginia - best known for a John Denver song
- Atlantic Coastal Conference (ACC) - Comprises the Pacific Coast and the Atlantic Coast.
- Boston College - best known for
- California - best known for Aaron Rodgers
- Clemson - best known for being very good in the 2010s
- Duke - best known for basketball
- Florida State - best known for falling off so hard they became a laughing stock
- Georgia Tech
- Louisville - best known for Lamar Jackson
- Miami - best known for their 2001 team that resulted in 38 NFL draft picks
- North Carolina - best known for basketball and having the greatest football coach of all time and still sucking ass
- NC State - best known for Philip Rivers
- Pittsburgh - best known for Tony Dorsett, LeSean McCoy, and Super Bowl champion quarterback Kenny Pickett
- SMU - best known for receiving the death penalty in 1987
- Stanford - best known for academics and their incredibly retarded looking tree mascot
- Syracuse - best known for having an orange sphere as their mascot
- Virginia - best known for nearly trampling a Florida State player during a field rush
- Virginia Tech - best known for playing Enter Sandman by Metallica before every kickoff
- Wake Forest - best known for being the smallest school in the Power 5
- Notre Dame (de facto) - best known for not being a part of a conference
- Pacific 12 (PAC12) - Comprises the pacific coast, de facto not power 5, BUT THEY STILL ARE IN MY HEART... Was so close to death they had only 2 teams in the conference at one point
- Boise State - best known for being the best Group of 5 team every year and Ashton Jeanty
- Colorado State - best known for enacting TND on Travis Hunter
- Fresno State - best known for Derek Carr
- Oregon State - best known for being one of the last 2 members of the PAC-12 before its revival
- San Diego State - best known for their cool Aztec helmets
- Texas State - best known for nothing
- Utah State - best known for Jordan Love
- Washington State - best known for being the place where Mike Leach (rip) made his name and being one of the last 2 members of the PAC-12 before its revival
Group of 5 (G5)
[edit | edit source]The Group of 5 are the other five (six doebeit) conferences in college football that are considered of lesser quality. Although technically in the same division as the Power 5, they are almost always worse than them. Not many group of 5 teams matter, but some are important enough to mention.
Conferences
- Mid-American Conference (MAC) - Comprising the American Midwest
- American Conference - Non-regional, considered the best G5 conference
- Conference USA (C-USA) - Non-regional, considered the worst G5 conference, usual first conference of programs moving up from the lower tier FCS
- Sun Belt - Comprising the American South
- Mountain West - Comprising the American West
Notable Teams
- Air Force - best known for being the Air Force
- Akron - best known for being the worst team in college football
- Appalachian State - best known for upsetting Michigan
- Army - best known for being the Army and playing Navy at the end of the year
- Ball State - best known for balls
- Liberty - best known for being christpilled and being among the best G5 teams
- Memphis - best known for being among the best G5 teams
- Miami (OH) - best known for their sunny beaches, palm trees, and Cuban sandwiches
- Navy - best known for being the Navy and playing Army at the end of the year
- North Dakota State - best known for dominating the lower FCS division so hard they had to leave and drop their nuts on FBS teams
- North Texas - best known for throwing for 700 thrembillion yards last season
- Tulane - best known for being among the best G5 teams
- Western Michigan - best known for upsetting Michigan so hard they had to activate the time bending machine located under Ann Arbor to add 1 second to space-time just so they could throw a hail mary and "win" (nobody actually thinks they won)
Notable football players
[edit | edit source]Tom Brady
[edit | edit source]Tom Brady was basically the main character of the NFL for a while in the 2010s. Won a shitload of Super Bowls but is largely considered to be past his prime now. (he retired)
Travis Kelce
[edit | edit source]Xe's marrying Taylor Swift o algo.
O. J. Simpson
[edit | edit source]
They should not be replicated nor condoned.
O. J. Simpson, nicknamed "The Juice," was a running back for the Buffalo Bills best known for killing his wife and her boyfriend. He was acquitted of the murders on a technicality, but he was later found liable for their deaths in civil court. The fact that he killed them has been an open secret ever since. He was later arrested and imprisoned for armed robbery and kidnapping. He was released in 2017 and died in 2024.
